Thirty

When someone joins you on the elevator say:

"It's my birthday. I just wrote 29 horrible things to say to a stranger on an elevator. Want me to tell you?"

Twenty Nine

When riding the elevator alone wait for someone to join you...

"Finally someone to talk to. I've been on this thing for like two hours."

they will probably just give a polite hi. Then tell them.

"I'm just so sad."

Twenty Eight

Say to your companion:

"The wedding was beautiful. And the reception was even more fun. Almost made me sad to have to ruin it. But sometimes you just have to kill."

That one's not funny, I'm scraping here...

Twenty Seven

"You see that Clippers game last night? It was pretty great, Baron Davis hit a game winning three as time ran out. It was awesome. I'm really happy for him, because he's totally a gentle lover."

A lot of these end up being gay themed.

Twenty-Six

When trying to describe a sensation to a friend...

"You know how it feels when you get cum in your nose? It was just like that."

(I just grossed myself out.)

Twenty Five

"So anyway, this is my first elevator ride since 9/11."

Twenty Four

When joined on one floor by a stranger press all the buttons on the elevator. Then when a second stranger arrives on the elevator and sees the lights lit up, just point at the first guy and shake your head.

Twenty-Three

This one takes commitment...

You need to make sure to use a building with only one elevator. In the morning, ride up with someone. Make sure you say or wear something memorable so they will recognize you later on. Then stay on the elevator when they get off. You must remain on the elevator until that person gets back on to ride down. When they finally come back breathe a sigh of relief and say:

"Oh, there you are I've been waiting for you. Is this yours?"

Hold up a wallet. When they reply that it is not shake your head.

"My bad. Oh well, guess I'll go to work now" and press the button for the top floor.

Twenty-Two

While a stranger listens tell your companion a story about having sex with a dude. At the end say, "It was like getting fucked by a horse. And I would know."

Some more.... Running out of time...

When riding the elevator, make a noise like your phone is ringing: "bring, bring, bring..." Turn to the stranger. "Want me to get that?" "Bring, bring, bring..." Then put your hand to your ear, miming a telephone. "Hello? Sure, let me check." Then tell the stranger "it's for you, are you here?"

Have a number 2 pencil in your hand when you get on the elevator. When the doors close snap the pencil in half and drop the halves to the floor. Then take another #2 pencil out of your pocket and repeat. Repeat again. And again. This will be best served if you manage to go through about fifteen #2 pencils so try to pick an old elevator in a tall building.

Ask your elevator companion a ton of questions in a horribly offensive racist accent. If they ask about it, insist that this is just how you talk.

"Hey, man. You looking to get high?" Despite their response press forward. "I've got pills and shit, what do you need?" Now turn on them. "You some kind of cop or something?" Then shove them against the wall (also, try not to get arrested).

First Blood

17:
When the elevator doors close you can do the speech from the final scene of Rambo. Click on the link to watch because embedding is disabled. But this speech would be awesome to do on an elevator.

This is fucking hard.

OITE - 14

When someone gets on the elevator. Pull out your camera and ask your friend.
"Hey, you want to see a video of me fucking a hooker?"
Then let your friend watch for a minute.
"Tricked you. That's video of me masturbating."

These get grosser as I try to come up with them.

15:
The second the elevator doors close shove your friend into the wall of the elevator. Then proceed to wrestle violently as the elevator goes up. Pin your friend and yell at the stranger:
"Come on! Count him out! I need a count!"
As they avoid eye contact yell:
"One, Two, Three! Come on. You're gonna cost me the belt here!"

16:
Just calmly and without saying a word trade pants, shirts and shoes with your friend while the stranger rides.

OITE 10-13

Holy Shit. I've got to do four of these right now.

Ok, one:

Elevator doors close...
"Yeah, bro, anyway, I get home and she's completely naked, cooking me dinner in the kitchen. It was so hot. But the food was really bland."

Two:

Elevator doors open after a quiet ride in which the stranger is going higher than you are...
"Oh, thank God. I was going to have to murder someone if it was quiet for 3 more seconds."
Then don't get off the elevator. Wait for the doors to close and ride up to the stranger's floor in total silence.

Three:

Elevator doors open. A new person gets on. Take out a bottle of Jack Daniels and drink as much as you possibly can as the elevator goes up. When you get to your floor turn to the person and spit a mouthful all over them. Then say:
"Nice to meet you, too. Asshole."

Four:

Sing the following:
"This is the song that never ends. Yes, it goes on and on, my friends. This is the song that never ends. Yes, it goes on and on, my friends. This is the song that never ends. Yes, it goes on and on my friends."
This works great, because not only are you being annoying, but you're not even getting the lyrics right. Your elevator companion will be irate!

Awkward Elevator #9

There is no consistency to the titles of these posts...

When people join you on the elevator, you need to already be staring at the ground. Shake your head. Stare into the distance. Then quietly:

"So much blood. So much."

Then over the course of the ride, just start giggling. Let the giggle build until you're laughing at full volume from your belly. Then near the end of the ride, shout with joy:

"Like an entire lake of the stuff!"

Then when you hit your floor say to one of them:

"You want to be my date for a funeral?"

Number Something

It would be super awkward if, at the moment the elevator doors closed, you vomited everywhere.

Awkward Elevator or Whatever #'s 6 & 7

#7
For this one it's important to look important. Nice suit. Maybe a lab coat.
"I just know that we're close to a cure. If we find the right type of chromosome we should be able to adapt this serum and finally cure AIDS."
Then give a frustrated sigh.
"And then we'd never have to wear condoms again."


#8
When someone gets on the elevator, turn to your friend and say.
"Did I tell you that I checked yesterday and my boner is the EXACT same length as my foot? I mean to the Angstrom"
(Angstrom is the smallest measurement (according to google)

OITE #5

When someone joins you on your way up:
"Do you smell that? That smell wasn't here before, right? That's a totally new smell."
Then wait until that person gets off the elevator and just as the doors are closing:
"Ok, now it's gone."

Overheard ITE 4

Elevator doors close. Remark to a friend:
"Dude, I forgot to tell you, I have a such a good celebrity death pool - Dakota Fanning, Malia Obama and gay porn star Bobby Blade. I think I'm gonna do pretty well."

Overheard in the Elevator 3

When overhearing an argument between iphone fans and droid users on the elevator, interrupt with:
"I don't know, I like the iphone a lot, but whenever I stick it up my ass the battery dies."

The New Challenge

In college, my friend Scott (whose also brought us the "kick in the balls" game) used to have a joke that was only to be told on a crowded elevator.

So this year for my birthday, Scott has challenged me to write 30 "awkward things to say on an elevator." I think this is going to be very hard. My iphone wouldn't let me post to the blog last night so this is 1 and 2:

The elevator fills up: "the thing is, every time I actually put it in the yogurt, it shrivels up. Which makes me think I'm not getting the full effect."

A woman gets on the elevator. The moment she walks in: "You smell pretty."

The moment she walks off: "Syke."