Twenty Free!

Today I wrote a sketch instead of a blog post. I couldn't figure how to format it well, but here you go:

We’re outside a Trader Joe’s or some sort of nature mart. Two guys in suits reading newspapers stand outside. Their briefcases are sitting on the ground in front of them.
CALE
You see this article?
NIC
Which one?
\CALE
Looks like Bernake is saying the recession is over.
NIC
I hope so. I’ve been out of work so long that I’m starting to go a little crazy.
A woman(hey, heather’s a woman) walks by.
NIC (CONT’D)Excuse me, ma’am.
HEATHERI’m really busy.
NICCan you spare some change?
HEATHER
No.
CALEPlease, we just need a little bit of money to get something to eat.
HEATHERI’m not an idiot, I know someone who is looking for investors when I see one.

Suddenly Ennis bursts out of the store in his NatureMart uniform.
ENNIS
HEY! I thought I told you two to get the fuck out of here?
CALE
Come on bro, cut us a break.
ENNIS
You’re not my Bro, you’re former investment bankers and you guys can’t beg out here. This is NatureMart not a fucking conference room. (to Heather)I’m sorry, ma’am. Come on in, let me know if you need help finding anything.
HEATHER
Oh, it’s no problem.Heather goes into the store.
ENNIS
Alright, now you two losers go raise capital somewhere else, comprende?!
Ennis goes back inside.
NIC
Man, that guy has such a stick up his ass.
CALE
Why’s he so pissed off, we’re just trying to get back on our feet.

A man walks by.


NIC
Excuse me, sir, can you spare a couple bucks.
CALE
We just need a little something to eat.
MAN
This isn’t for some start-up venture or something is it?
CALE
Please? We’re starving.
MAN(suspiciously)Tell you what, I’ll go inside and bring something out for you guys, how’s that?

The guys are silent for a beat.

NIC
Ok, look, it’s for a start-up venture. But it’s a really good opportunity.

MAN
I knew it! Goddamned banking swine.
CALE
But listen, the market is about to bounce back up, you don’t want to get caught on the outside looking in on this.
MAN
Leave me alone

As he walks off Ennis re-emerges.
ENNIS
You guys want me to call the cops? Get the fuck out of here.
NIC
Come on, man. Where else are we supposed to go?
ENNIS
I don’t fucking care, do nothing, go to a park, get fat. Act like a real human being without a job. CALE
But we can’t afford to ignore an opportunity.
NIC
Especially with this economy...
ENNIS
Enough about the economy. When are you two jokers going to wake up and realize it’s not all about money?
CALE
Excuse me?
ENNIS
I know your type, slick money grubbing bankers! Wake up! Instead of being out here trying to get investors you should be off somewhere smoking pot and thinking about shit?
CALE
Are you saying we should smoke pot to help us think of our next step.
ENNIS
No, man, to think about shit. Like what color you’d be if you could be any color? Or whether or not the illuminati are real. You know. Shit. That matters way more than making money.
NIC
With all due respect, I appreciate what you’re saying, but capitalism is all we know. We’re a product of our environments.
ENNIS
Right. You think I got to where I am because of my background? You think it’s easy to roll out of bed at noon and come to NatureMart and sell organic products, of course it’s not. But I pull myself up by my bootstraps, because I know that what life is really about is getting high as shit and chaining myself to a fucking tree to fight suburban sprawl. The only person who can make you realize that is you and handouts from these customers so you can start some website and make a billion dollars is not going to get you anywhere. Now get the fuck out of here because you guys are harshing the shit out of my buzz.

Ennis goes back into the store.

CALE
Man, that guy’s a real square.
NIC
No kidding.

As he says this a customer walks by and throws money in their briefcase.

CALE
It’s like he just won’t let us live. (to the nice customer)God bless you, sir.

Nic scoops up the money.

CALE (CONT’D)We should do something.

NIC
Hang on, that guy gave us enough to score some crank.

CALE
Awesome, let’s go.

They exit.
Immediately after Joe Chandler enters in a suit. He opens his briefcase with a sign that reads “Why Lie? I need investors”Ennis enters.

ENNIS(shaking his fist at the sky)Goddamnit!